on “giving it up”

            You ever notice that when we talk about a woman having sex, we often refer to the act as her “giving it up?” I can’t begin to tell you all the times I’ve been told to be careful “who I give it up to” or to be wary before I “give it up” OR the times I’ve heard male friends talking about women who’ve “given it up”… And the more I sat with it, the more I started wondering why women’s sexuality was being referred to as a token or chip to give away and why men never got warned about “giving it up” to us women.

           After some analysis I was bought back to my childhood, where the only conversation about sex I ever had with my mother was where she briefly told me that my virginity was my leverage and that once I “handed it over” my worth diminished (Tu virginidad es donde esta tu valor y cuando ya no eres virgen, eres una mujer cualquiera). Obviously as a kid, you’re taught not to question your mother, so I never said it to her face, but I was definitely thinking about how wrong she was for limiting my worth to my body rather than my values or personality. All the mixed messages I was getting from the media, my peers, men in society, the church and my mother ultimately led me down a path where I decided to have sex too young because I wanted to be in control of my life. I don’t regret my choices, but to this day I wish someone had talked to me about sex in a way that honored my curiosity, sexuality and intellect. Instead I ended up with a bunch of senseless adults all trying to control my body, which only made me want to discover the truth about sex on my own. If only I had known what an orgasm was or where my g spot was located or how to properly place a condom on someone rather than being made to feel inappropriate or “fresh” for being inquisitive. If only they knew that I had been watching porn since I was 8 years old,  because I was dying to understand my own anatomy, maybe then they would’ve talked to me.

             Women and girls ALL OVER THE WORLD are raised and taught nonsense about their sexuality, especially their virginity. We’re taught that we should be ashamed of our sexual nature, that we should never “give it up” to someone because our virginity is tied to our virtue, we’re taught that our bodies are temples of Christ that only belong to him. YET at the same time, we’re taught that our bodies are our only token, that we need to make ourselves sexually available for men’s pleasure (aka sexploitation), that we’re whores for indulging in sex for our own desires, or that we’re lesbians if we have no interest in sharing our sexuality at all. ALL WHILE boys are taught to be free to explore their sexuality because the world (and all its pussy) is theirs for the taking. You can imagine all those thwarted value systems being flung in my direction naturally made me go on my path.

           Despite everything I’ve experienced, I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself, my body and my self esteem on my journey. I’ve learned that sex is natural for EVERYONE and that all those who tried to convince me that I wasn’t inherently sexual were internally oppressed. I’ve learned that society has always tried to make women’s sexuality othered and I refuse to let myself be one of them, no matter what names I’m called. I’ve learned that all the shame I’ve ever felt about loving sex I inherited from the people around me. Ultimately I’ve learned that having sex isn’t about giving anything up, on the other hand it’s about gaining something, it’s about coming together and merging the mind, body and soul in an exchange of energy and lust with someone who can reciprocate.

            Once I turned 20, my sexuality took a completely different twist. I decided to OWN MY BODY instead of trying to hide it. For years I let all the ideas of others penetrate my being (so to speak). I had been having sex for several years now and had never had an orgasm, I didn’t know where my pleasure centers were and even if I did, I didn’t trust a man enough to let him explore them fully. After enough poor excuses for sex, I started reading books, watching more intimate porn and got in touch with my body. I decided that I would only sleep with men I could see myself building with even if it never happened I figured it’d be better to have sex with someone I fully trusted rather than letting myself get fucked just because I could. Sex stopped being a game and became a genuine exchange of emotions. I started honoring my body and asking for the things I wanted which included more head, changing positions at my pace and doing the things I wanted to do. SEX BECAME FUN!

            These days I’ve converted sex into my way of connecting to the divine, which I’ll explain in a later post, but I’ve been having only the most amazing love making of my life and all it took was the courage to honor my body and speak my motherfucking mind. It took being labeled a hoe, being rejected by men who didn’t have any intentions to please me, being judged by other girl friends who were scared to say “now give ME head for an hour,” … BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE I AM FREE AND I WILL NEVER LOOK BACK  AGAIN (unless it’s to thank him for his amazing back stroke).

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