I’ve been grappling with launching my own business for over a year now. I’ve found reason after reason as to why I couldn’t because something, anything was “missing”. I worked on countless outline after outline, attained over 5 master certifications, lost weight and STILL didn’t want to start my business. I had literally done everything to convince myself I needed to prepare and was STILL more terrified to fail than to just do it! Even today, in this place I am now, I’m scared to be an imperfect business woman. “I mean, come on Christy, you’re a MASTER LIFE COACH!” I tell myself, as if that alone validates my vast experience. As if to judge myself for having answers for everyone except myself. On the outside it may look like everyday insecurity but upon deeper reflection I started to ask myself, genuinely, if my self-doubt was truly my own or a result of years of being told to color within the lines.
I’m not sure when exactly I started to believe in the lie that I was unworthy but I know it started early. Like many others, my childhood was challenging throughout its entirety though I did my best to pretend it wasn’t. My siblings and I survived early family separations, the death of our matriarchs, narcissistic and codependent tendencies in my parents, physical emotional and psychological abuse and poverty. As the eldest, I undervalued the role I played in mediating our day to day circumstances by creating normalcy as much as I could. We used to get lost in books, teacher time, stories, television and each other’s company just to cope with the chaos. The early role I played in my household is the role I’ve subconsciously continued to play in my life TO THIS VERY MOMENT. See, I had to live safely then because it was how I survived. I had to quiet my gifts and talents because it’s how I kept them from being criticized and slaughtered. I had to submit in order to avoid abuse. I traded my freedom early in exchange for “peace” and now here I am, still unraveling the webs of a younger me.
What does this have to do with the now and starting my business? ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. See what I’ve come to realize is that if we don’t identify our own recurring patterns of self-sabotage they will continue to rule our existence IN ALL FACETS OF OUR LIVES, subconsciously manifesting every time we want to take a risk. As a result of having to protect myself so often in my childhood, patterns of fear and procrastination reemerge for me whenever I’m close to feeling confident enough to put myself out there. Why? Because my inner child is still reliving all the times she couldn’t put herself out there and trying to protect me from any possible rejection now. The difference is that because I have identified the source, I can do what’s necessary to heal thoroughly until it fades. The healing process, for me, has involved lots of self-parenting, lots of present-moment awareness, tons of love and support and a willingness to see myself TRULY as I am. Where I used to view vulnerability as weakness, I now use it as a secret weapon against anyone or thing that tries to lessen my value with their projections (like Eminem in the final rap battle). BTW, this is HUGEEEEEE for me and I had to share this revelation because I know I’m not alone. I know this lesson will resonate with too many to keep to myself!
The lesson here is to know yourself so you can be present to heal yourself if/when toxic patterns come up and threaten your vision. Truth is, I’m still fearful to show my imperfections however fear is no longer enough to stop me from doing Me unapologetically. Remember, fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) is a survival mechanism that, if kept unchecked, can end up controlling you more than you can conceive. So don’t be afraid to examine your fears, to shine a light on them and demystify them once and for all. You may discover that the fear you’ve been feeling is of a past You and no longer serves your present purpose, freeing you to truly live life by your own design! So what are you REALLY afraid of? Sit with that, if you dare.
I AM PRESENT WITH MY FEARS AND I DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO CONTROL ME!
I AM UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME AND I LOVINGLY ACCEPT MYSELF!
I AM IN A STATE OF HEALING. I AM COMPASSIONATE WITH MYSELF THROUGHOUT IT!
I AM IMPERFECTLY PERFECT BECAUSE I AM ONE WITH ALL THAT IS!
I AM WORTHY OF STARTING MY OWN THRIVING BUSINESS!